This is not about trying to go back in time, this is not about where I'll be a year down the line. It's just moment to moment, surviving somehow. This is not about then, this is just about now. -Faith Hill

It's 3:37 a.m. here at the Casa de Crazy and somewhere about a mile away from here, he's moved on. Before you get all "wtf? You LIVE with another guy!" on me, I know this. I also know that YOU know what a weak willed person I am (and if you can name that movie you get a gold star!). I know this is a good thing. I want him to be happy. Not just happy but blissfully happy. He is an incredibly good man who deserves wonderful things. And so do I.

Today I'm pushing past the loss and grief to look into the crystal ball. See it swiiirling...miiiiiisting...looook in to de baaaaalll...now stop. Dis is mai ball. Joo go git jor own, jes?

My most incredible therapist suggested rather than aching over what's lost to look at what I've gained. And to really stop and 'flesh out' my future. In a year, in 5 years...what does Tracy's world look like? And we're not talking how Tracy is the queen of a small country and has 50 muscle-bound men in loincloths feeding her chocolate pretzels and Jack & coke while Vanilla Ice, Bret Michels, Eddy Van Halen and a plethora of 80s bands sit at the ready, to entertain me at my whim. Although that could totally happen. What I really want to get it is transformation. Caterpillar to butterfly. And as I always say, I'm totally going to tattoo that on my ass.

Fast forward 5 years and cue the 70s harps-that-mean-you're-in-a-dream-state.

The last patient of the day has come bolting through the doors of the E.R. on a gurney and I'm quickly checking his vitals. Adult male 48 with chest pain and possible fractured right tibia. I'm a machine as I go through the checklist and order the appropriate tests, find a heart attack about to happen and ship him off to surgery. All in 5 minutes time. He's grey colored and sweaty and shouting his thanks to me like the Monster in Young Frankenstein in his "Puttin' On The Ritz" number, but he'll be good as new in short order. I high 5 McDreamy and Zach Braff as they tell me I 'm the best R.N. they've ever seen. We talk about our plans for the night.

"I have a glass of red wine and a burgundy beef waiting for me. Time to harvest some herbs and tomatoes from the garden. Maybe soak in the hot tub for a bit with my partner and get ready for the valedictorian dinner for the youngest. She's graduating this year. And was accepted into Yale. Full scholarship, no less!"

They both sigh because yo, they don't get me, mmkay? and take their disappointment with them as we leave the E.R. I love my job and am really effing good at it. My patients love me. My doctors love me. I have the perfect balance of knowing my shit and caring about the people I treat. I am completely fulfilled at my job and make enough money to be debt free.

By now I've bought a house. It's a farmhouse on about 10 acres just outside of town. It's been updated but has all these awesome little features and built-ins from the period it was built. A laundry shoot to the basement, which is beautiful and brightly lit, not even remotely creepy. The backyard has a deck with a trellis covering the entire thing and wysteria draping down. The climbing roses fill the yard with amazing scents and the flowers and gorgeous and blooming. There are bird feeders everywhere and a bathouse on the side. My son is visiting after his last tour of duty and talking about the woman he wants to propose to, asking advice from my partner, who just smiles in my direction and tells him to start saving his money. My middle daughter is still in college, working on her Masters in teaching. She's close enough to visit, though, and does so often.

I'm making the last payment on my student loans this month, our cars are paid off and we don't use credit cards. We grow as much of our own food and herbs as we can and spend alot of time in the summer canning. That is, when we're not doing recreational things and ballroom dancing. Did I mention I'm totally hot? See, I found a great treatment for Fibromyalgia and I don't have pain anymore unless I really overdo it. I work out every day and have a body to rival Hollywood body doubles. I've gotten a couple more tattoos, have regular pedicures and my hair is to my middle back, but very hip and fun.

My life is fulfilling. I have a great relationship with my ex. My job is amazing. I can have just one glass of wine. I don't take medication for pain. I'm in a band and we sometimes play in town, which is as far as we want to go. We turned down a record deal because we're happy to record at my place if we wanted to release another CD.

Above all, I've learned what it means to be content and in the moment. Happiness is fleeting. Contentment is to be sought after. I know who I am and why I'm here. My God and I are really tight.

I can see these things and hold on to them when I have moments like these. When I wonder what I've done and how I'll make it through the rest of the night. These painful moments are just that. Moments. And by breathing and looking forward to a time when I love the life I've created, I think I can maybe actually DO this.

All by myself.