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rp({"version":"1.0","encoding":"UTF-8","feed":{"xmlns":"http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom","xmlns$openSearch":"http://a9.com/-/spec/opensearchrss/1.0/","xmlns$blogger":"http://schemas.google.com/blogger/2008","xmlns$georss":"http://www.georss.org/georss","xmlns$gd":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005","xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688"},"updated":{"$t":"2022-08-18T02:20:16.608-07:00"},"category":[{"term":"changes"},{"term":"moving on"},{"term":"because two of the best cooks in the county live here"},{"term":"new blog"},{"term":"posts from my Iphone"},{"term":"speaking freely"},{"term":"therapy"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"30 Something \u0026 Crazy Too"},"subtitle":{"type":"html","$t":""},"link":[{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#feed","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/posts\/default"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default?alt=json-in-script\u0026orderby=published"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"generator":{"version":"7.00","uri":"http://www.blogger.com","$t":"Blogger"},"openSearch$totalResults":{"$t":"21"},"openSearch$startIndex":{"$t":"1"},"openSearch$itemsPerPage":{"$t":"25"},"entry":[{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-2334438790157622114"},"published":{"$t":"2010-10-01T03:14:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-10-01T03:15:34.136-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Home"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"I'm going home. Starting over again, again. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPlease find me there.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.tracymort.com\"\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/2334438790157622114\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/10\/home.html#comment-form","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2334438790157622114"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2334438790157622114"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/10\/home.html","title":"Home"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-7370614382534666358"},"published":{"$t":"2010-06-17T08:54:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-06-17T10:01:51.402-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Look at the tomato. Isn't it sad? It can't sing..."},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"When I was younger, I entered a contest. Every year. It was a country music singing contest. I entered for several years and always made the final round, only to take 2nd place and not move on to state competition. Two years ago at 35, I entered the competition for Nashville Star (American Idol but country music...it's where Miranda Lambert came from). I made it to Nashville. And no further. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI listened to everyone who told me I should be famous. I made CDs of my original music, took professional photographs and made a M*Sp*ce music page. I was happenin' and stuff. I was a worship leader at my church and had so many compliments it was difficult to keep my feet on the ground. But I did. Why? Because I never made it past 2nd place. Even here in a local competition a few years ago I got 2nd. Again. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI played in a band (or 2), wrote lots of music and played my guitar until my fingers bled, to quote Bryan Adams. If you're curious, \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.hostguilds.com\/zina\/index.php?p=A Tracy Original\"\u003Ehere you can find my music\u003C\/a\u003E, albeit very rudimentary and amateur. \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003E*NOTE: the server is a home computer so it might take more than one shot to get to the files. I promise you'll be rewarded with complete mediocrity.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy point is that the desire to make music as that thing I do has always burned hot inside of me. So much so that watching CMT or award shows was painful because I was so certain I should be and COULD be doing that if only the stars aligned properly. But they never did. That aching? It still remains. Uselessly and irritatingly eating at my heart like some ridiculous child's dream never to come true. I tried to make it into a passion for worship music and throw myself into that, thinking not only would it satisfy this longing but also possibly make me into the kind of person who could save her marriage. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOnly it didn't. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOnce those things imploded, I was held to a higher standard and told I brought a bad spirit into the church by my behavior. I went from being a woman in trouble to a woman lost forever. Goodbye church support. Goodbye people who loved me for the worship I brought. It was really just a bad spirit, after all, now that they knew what I was really doing behind closed doors. I got heavy and old, useless to marketing reps and no longer of value to the Christian community for the purpose of worship music. I was heartbroken to not only lose my marriage but my entire belief system.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's been months since I really picked up a guitar or put any heart into singing. There used to be no separating me and music, and I don't know what happened. Did I give up? Did I ever really think I'd be famous? No, not really. But I always believed that it might amount to something important in my life, and that the fire was placed there for a reason. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI just don't know if I believe that anymore."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/7370614382534666358\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/06\/look-at-tomato-isnt-it-sad-it-cant-sing.html#comment-form","title":"3 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7370614382534666358"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7370614382534666358"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/06\/look-at-tomato-isnt-it-sad-it-cant-sing.html","title":"Look at the tomato. Isn't it sad? It can't sing..."}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"3"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-5144448659890468103"},"published":{"$t":"2010-06-09T09:21:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-06-09T10:01:38.748-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Letting Go for the 3,283,372nd time...and Counting..."},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"I suppose I should mention I quit drinking last week. I believe it was Thursday the 3rd. I know we're supposed to keep track and say \"dood I'm on like day whatever\" for sobriety purposes, but I don't feel like that. I just don't drink right now. With my body, I probably shouldn't. Not only did I quit drinking but also have been weaning off the pain meds so that when I finally get to the *heavens open and birds sing* PAIN CLINIC I've been referred to, I know exactly what my body and the Fibromyalgia feels like with no drugs or alcohol. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's been surprisingly easy not to drink. That is, until something happens and I feel like a drunk trying to dry out. Sunday was one of those days. Things happened, information got to me that, while it really shouldn't have, rocked me to the core. This after an amazing weekend with L and a noted increase in intimacy and commitment for both of us. But Sunday morning, I wanted a drink. So I cried. For 2 hours. Because people should be who you know them to be. People can't be so different than who you've known for so long. It just can't be. Instead of drinking, I used my \"emotional health\" skills and just looked around me, identifying how I felt. This place I'm in? It really IS all kinds of awesome. Some examples:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E*I'm headed to school (pre reqs for nursing) in the Fall\u003Cbr \/\u003E*I'm sober!\u003Cbr \/\u003E*Did I mention I'm sober?\u003Cbr \/\u003E*I know what I want to do with my life and I' ALL over it!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere are good things in the land of 30something and I am rockin' the changes. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMostly. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESee, I got the bright idea to change my relationship status on Facebook. I know, I know. I live with someone. We are in a relationship. It made sense. I know it was the right time to do it, too. I just didn't foresee the way it would speed up the end of my life before all this.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe soon to be ex Mr. has been out and about, seeing several gals and trying to figure himself out. I applaud him for being so outgoing and want him to be so. very. happy. The way I felt about a date he had this last weekend just made me...let go a little more and turn toward a new life I'm building on my own. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt seems the Mr. was inspired as well, and quickly made an appointment to draw up papers. We both knew this was the probable outcome, I suppose I thought it would be several months or a year before we actually followed through. But the Mr. is a very take care of business kind of guy and really needed some closure. I don't blame him for a second. But it hurt like hell. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI went with him, sat through a brief and simple session with the legal gal and left her office with my heart in my shoes and a thousand panicked questions. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EShould we be doing this so soon?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhat will the kids think?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EShould I tell L? \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOhmygod. Please stop. Please just stop this. I don't want this. This is NOT the way it was supposed to be!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EI want a drink...\u003C\/span\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI spent the bulk of the day with the Mr. talking about plans, visitation, financial things and trying to make all of this as easy as possible. Then we started to talk about how it felt. What went wrong. How we got to this horrible, gut-wrenching place. Neither of us could keep the tears from forming, but both kept them barely at bay. We agreed this is how it should be. Hell, if the world turned upside down and we ended up back together, we could always get married again, right? Right? \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAs the day wore on and we covered more painful subjects, the searing agony in my body due to lack of pain management combined with my emotional state to slowly but surely wear me down. By the time the Mr. left, I was sobbing. The majority of my family is either not supportive or feels I have lost my way, leaving only a few options for people to turn to when the world has closed in on me. Since I often will close up, it's probably best that way. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI cried until L got home, and then I cried more. And he held me and listened to me spill my doubts and fears, things that I know were painful for him to hear, but he held me and promised I would be ok. We would be ok. And he was going nowhere. As he drifted to sleep I felt him waking every few minutes to rub my shoulder and helplessly try to dry my eyes again. The light in the window faded to dark and I was alone except for his steady breath. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI closed my eyes and once again I was in Gold Hill at Sammy's Gato Gordo. The man onstage was very clean cut and conservative looking. When he opened his mouth and began to sing I raised an eyebrow and took another look. We sang, played shuffleboard and pool, he juggled billiard balls and laughed. We fell in love. We married in the perfect little church in a beautiful ceremony on the first day of spring. We had a family. We lived and we loved and we hurt, and now it's over. In August we would have been together 14 years. I was 23 when we met. The memories bring searing hot tears down my cheeks and an ache in my chest deeper than anything I think I've ever felt. I know the reasons. I know they are valid. I know they aren't going to change and this is for the best. But he was everything to me. And somehow I think letting go isn't going to be as simple as signing a piece of paper. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd I still really want a drink."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/5144448659890468103\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/06\/letting-go-for-3283372nd-timeand.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5144448659890468103"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5144448659890468103"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/06\/letting-go-for-3283372nd-timeand.html","title":"Letting Go for the 3,283,372nd time...and Counting..."}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-5094936208180112662"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-25T20:34:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-26T13:48:50.933-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"How Do I Sleep At Night?"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"As I lay on his chest, I can feel his breath rising and falling in rhythmic motion. His heart pounds heavily inside the cage of bones, now beginning to protrude no matter his position. I feel his chest muscles spasm involuntarily as his body fights off sleep, and I rest my hand on his as if it might send the message to his subconscious that sleep is good. \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EIt's okay to let go and rest.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI survey him like he is new to me, though he is not. Each mark, each scar to be examined and cataloged. He is a strong man. He is a good man. And he loves me fiercely. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EStill, as I scan across his skin I can't help but think of those who have done so before I came along. It's a resonating battle inside of me, and I find myself entrenched once again, firing shots toward a faceless enemy. I duck and I pop up again and fire until I begin to see their faces. The women I know he's had relationships with. And I feel as if I am overtaken by them. I feel as if my weapons are malfunctioning and my armor is full of holes. As the enemy converges I catch my breath and the tear before it falls on his chest. And he stirs. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhy do I do this? Because I'm afraid. On some level I am afraid that I won't compare to the women before me. And as usual, I follow this train of thought until it weaves through my landscape of the land of insecurity. I've built a home there on the unfriendly rock formations amongst the thorns and beasts where I am destined to return again and again. It is the land of the \"Not Good Enough\".\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn the last few months I've been gathering supplies in an effort to build a new home in a more forgiving land. During this self construction project I'm beginning to see some new truths, and they are making the job of condemning that old house and tearing it down just a little easier. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI don't have to fight that battle. I'm no longer entrenched. I have some affirmations to strengthen me and they serve also as realizations. An epiphany, of sorts. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENo matter how angry I am at their behavior, I can still love someone who hates me.\u003C\/span\u003E I acknowledge my part in their feelings toward me, and I feel a deep sense of regret. I see their pain and I long for the days when my embrace was welcomed. When we shared those pains with one another. I can ache deeply that it simply isn't possible now, and hold on to knowledge that my love for them remains, hoping beyond hope that what they now face can be just a little less devastating. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EI am a balanced and loving mother who makes mistakes like every other mother has.\u003C\/span\u003E I can hear my children and listen to their feelings. I can understand their pain, and stand strong as the adult when how they feel cannot affect the situation. I can hold them and still hold them responsible for their behavior. And I can tell them every day how much I love them. I know without doubt that I am a Good Mother. Above all, I can promise them and myself that under no circumstances will I \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eever\u003C\/span\u003E give up on them.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EI can give grace to someone who is hell bent on destroying me.\u003C\/span\u003E Even in the midst of harassing phone calls, txts, threats of violence (however unlikely) and venomous slander, I can see the lost child inside. I can take into consideration someone who was abandoned and hurt, knowing they are really just looking for attention. ANY attention. I can know that they may be doing and saying vicious things, but only to keep busy enough to not feel the loneliness. And while I give grace, I don't excuse the actions. I stand tall and defend myself and those I love.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EI receive judgment without returning it.\u003C\/span\u003E I know that those (both in my family and outside of it) who are convinced I am every kind of hopeless sinner in need of the Lord have their own demons to battle, and I can be at peace knowing in my innermost being that my relationship with God is personal and not only not their business but not for them to judge. I can understand that they don't realize what they're really doing is leaving me completely alone in the time of my greatest need. And I can forgive them for it, keeping enough distance to protect myself at the same time.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen, I can turn back to my sleeping warrior and be content with where we are right now. Without holding on to the past. Without forcing a future. I can be blissfully in the moment, and drift into a sound and peaceful sleep."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/5094936208180112662\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/front-lines.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5094936208180112662"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5094936208180112662"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/front-lines.html","title":"How Do I Sleep At Night?"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-4762484697998222537"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-14T16:47:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-14T17:07:58.268-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"F#*!"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"There's a word I can't get out of my head. It's been popping up for over a month now. Things fall out of place and BAM! There it is. It's a four letter word, that's for sure. It's a word I wish my children had never learned. Hell, I wish *I* had never learned it. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe word? FAIR. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWe've all heard our children say it. We've probably said it a million times. We know we shouldn't. And yet it's such a foundational word, especially for this up and coming generation. \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EFair.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's not \u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003Efair\u003C\/span\u003E. That just isn't \u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003Efair\u003C\/span\u003E. What's \u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003Efair\u003C\/span\u003E about that? Absolutely nothing, that's what. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI love my therapy and the skills group I attend weekly, if only because I've learned just how damaging of a four letter word FAIR really is. If I can eliminate it from my vocabulary, I'll be an entirely happier and far more content person. But right this second, I'm up to my eyeballs in \"it's not FAIR!!\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESee, there are people in this world who care about others. There are people who, even in situations where they are fully within their rights to be angry and hostile, simply refuse to do so. There are people who think about others before they speak\/act. And there are people who insist on being fair to others, even when they can never expect the same in kind. And then...there are people who don't. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWords should never be weapons. Manipulating people because you know you can is horrible. Manipulating people who have no way of knowing you would do that is a special kind of asstastic. I don't understand people like that. I don't think I ever will. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen again, it's not necessary for me to understand them. Because even if I rid one from my life, others will spring up. I suppose what I'm realizing is this: it doesn't HAVE to be fair. Even if it's the worst possible version of awful, there's not a damn thing I can do about someone else's motivation and resulting behavior. They are what they are and if they cross my path I realize, I know I have only one single acceptable choice. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI can choose to be the \"fair\" one."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/4762484697998222537\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/f.html#comment-form","title":"3 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/4762484697998222537"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/4762484697998222537"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/f.html","title":"F#*!"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"3"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-3261421919915268625"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-12T16:25:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-12T16:35:04.095-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Photo Phiasco! (Alternately Titled: I've Been Tagged!)"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EAnd now, for something completely different.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy good friend \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/crazyinalaska.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/i-was-tagged-and-lived-to-tell-about-it.html\"\u003EAlaena\u003C\/a\u003E posted a very FUN kind of meme and since I've been all about the fun lately (\/sarcasm) I thought I would partake to lighten the mood in this damn place! And maybe open the drapes, get some fresh air going through here!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlaena said: \u003Cblockquote\u003EThe idea is to go to your 8th photo folder, and find the 8th photo in it. Post it to your blog and tell the story behind it.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo here we go! \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca onblur=\"try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}\" href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-s6BooUEGI\/AAAAAAAAAAc\/ksNJK1rtcJ8\/s1600\/emetstage.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg style=\"float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-s6BooUEGI\/AAAAAAAAAAc\/ksNJK1rtcJ8\/s320\/emetstage.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\"id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5470529972132384866\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThis photo was taken at a worship night the band I was in, Emet, put on at a local church. We called it \"Emet Unplugged\". The photo was a very artsy interpretation of the platform area. The night was a combination of popular worship and original worship music and was absolutely amazing. I sang my heart out and the mood? Was totally in the zone. God was there in every sense He can be and I often pull from that night when I want to remember what it felt like to truly let everything go and just \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eworship. \u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThese days there's so much \"hypocrite\" this and \"you're not a Christian\" that...it's good to remember that nobody can say those things and make them true. I still love my God. He still loves me. That might be all I know right now, but it's something. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd I've really learned to treasure my \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Esomethings\u003C\/span\u003E lately."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/3261421919915268625\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/photo-phiasco-alternately-titled-ive.html#comment-form","title":"3 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3261421919915268625"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3261421919915268625"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/photo-phiasco-alternately-titled-ive.html","title":"Photo Phiasco! (Alternately Titled: I've Been Tagged!)"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-s6BooUEGI\/AAAAAAAAAAc\/ksNJK1rtcJ8\/s72-c\/emetstage.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"3"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-122732532243222398"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-10T00:30:37.641-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Pain Is Weakness Leaving the Body"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Ca onblur=\"try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}\" href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-e2Fj80PeI\/AAAAAAAAAAU\/_7aGa7JoRBw\/s1600\/mommike1.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg style=\"float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 249px; height: 320px;\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-e2Fj80PeI\/AAAAAAAAAAU\/_7aGa7JoRBw\/s320\/mommike1.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\"id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469540479130680802\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's 12:02 a.m. and he leaves today. My son. My only son. My firstborn child is now a Marine. Just typing that sentence sends me into tears. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI was 18 when I had him. 36 when he graduated from high school last year. I have watched him grow and learn and become his own version of a man based on what he has seen modeled for him, for which I am both thankful and saddened. My son will be a strong family man. He will hold a work ethic higher than those of his peers and will reach for success beyond all other things. He didn't choose to join the Marines because he had no other options. He did so because it's been his dream for many years. It was the only branch 'tough enough' for him. The only challenge he wasn't certain he could meet, and therefore he had to set his sights on conquering.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAs I imagine his tiny face laughing at me as he was cutting his first teeth...as I remember the videos of his 2nd birthday party...as I can picture each stage of his development and treasure it like a precious gift, his middle sister sleeps with his necklace tightly in her hand. His youngest sister looks for his teasing yet loving comments on her choices, but finds only silence. His Dad was looking forward to a last visit before boot camp, but friends and family a few hours south were given the gift of his last few hours of freedom. I'm incredibly jealous. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI don't blame him for running that way when the Mr. and I separated. I don't blame him for being angry enough to not speak a single word to me since it happened. I knew everything when I was 18, too. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd then I became a mother. And went back to knowing nothing. And questioning everything. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EI'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.\u003C\/span\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECome home soon. Come home healthy. Just come home. Please."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/122732532243222398\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/pain-is-weakness-leaving-body.html#comment-form","title":"6 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/122732532243222398"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/122732532243222398"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/pain-is-weakness-leaving-body.html","title":"Pain Is Weakness Leaving the Body"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S-e2Fj80PeI\/AAAAAAAAAAU\/_7aGa7JoRBw\/s72-c\/mommike1.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"6"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-975810955897843167"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-06T03:37:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-06T04:17:53.429-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Fleshing It Out"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Cblockquote\u003EThis is not about trying to go back in time, this is not about where I'll be a year down the line. It's just moment to moment, surviving somehow. This is not about then, this is just about now. -Faith Hill\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's 3:37 a.m. here at the Casa de Crazy and somewhere about a mile away from here, he's moved on. Before you get all \"wtf? You LIVE with another guy!\" on me, I know this. I also know that YOU know what a weak willed person I am (and if you can name that movie you get a gold star!). I know this is a good thing. I want him to be happy. Not just happy but \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eblissfully\u003C\/span\u003E happy. He is an incredibly good man who deserves wonderful things. And so do I. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EToday I'm pushing past the loss and grief to look into the crystal ball. See it swiiirling...miiiiiisting...looook in to de baaaaalll...now stop. Dis is mai ball. Joo go git jor own, jes? \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy most incredible therapist suggested rather than aching over what's lost to look at what I've gained. And to really stop and 'flesh out' my future. In a year, in 5 years...what does Tracy's world look like? And we're not talking how Tracy is the queen of a small country and has 50 muscle-bound men in loincloths feeding her chocolate pretzels and Jack \u0026 coke while Vanilla Ice, Bret Michels, Eddy Van Halen and a plethora of 80s bands sit at the ready, to entertain me at my whim. Although that could totally happen. What I really want to get it is transformation. Caterpillar to \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.califmom.com\/califmom\/2010\/05\/finding-the-butterfly.html\"\u003Ebutterfly\u003C\/a\u003E. And as I always say, I'm totally going to tattoo that on my ass. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EFast forward 5 years and cue the 70s harps-that-mean-you're-in-a-dream-state.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe last patient of the day has come bolting through the doors of the E.R. on a gurney and I'm quickly checking his vitals. Adult male 48 with chest pain and possible fractured right tibia. I'm a machine as I go through the checklist and order the appropriate tests, find a heart attack about to happen and ship him off to surgery. All in 5 minutes time. He's grey colored and sweaty and shouting his thanks to me like the Monster in Young Frankenstein in his \"Puttin' On The Ritz\" number, but he'll be good as new in short order. I high 5 McDreamy and Zach Braff as they tell me I 'm the best R.N. they've ever seen. We talk about our plans for the night.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I have a glass of red wine and a burgundy beef waiting for me. Time to harvest some herbs and tomatoes from the garden. Maybe soak in the hot tub for a bit with my partner and get ready for the valedictorian dinner for the youngest. She's graduating this year. And was accepted into Yale. Full scholarship, no less!\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThey both sigh because yo, they don't get me, mmkay? and take their disappointment with them as we leave the E.R. I love my job and am really effing good at it. My patients love me. My doctors love me. I have the perfect balance of knowing my shit and caring about the people I treat. I am completely fulfilled at my job and make enough money to be debt free.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBy now I've bought a house. It's a farmhouse on about 10 acres just outside of town. It's been updated but has all these awesome little features and built-ins from the period it was built. A laundry shoot to the basement, which is beautiful and brightly lit, not even remotely creepy. The backyard has a deck with a trellis covering the entire thing and wysteria draping down. The climbing roses fill the yard with amazing scents and the flowers and gorgeous and blooming. There are bird feeders everywhere and a bathouse on the side. My son is visiting after his last tour of duty and talking about the woman he wants to propose to, asking advice from my partner, who just smiles in my direction and tells him to start saving his money. My middle daughter is still in college, working on her Masters in teaching. She's close enough to visit, though, and does so often.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'm making the last payment on my student loans this month, our cars are paid off and we don't use credit cards. We grow as much of our own food and herbs as we can and spend alot of time in the summer canning. That is, when we're not doing recreational things and ballroom dancing. Did I mention I'm totally hot? See, I found a great treatment for Fibromyalgia and I don't have pain anymore unless I really overdo it. I work out every day and have a body to rival Hollywood body doubles. I've gotten a couple more tattoos, have regular pedicures and my hair is to my middle back, but very hip and fun. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy life is fulfilling. I have a great relationship with my ex. My job is amazing. I can have \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Ejust one\u003C\/span\u003E glass of wine. I don't take medication for pain. I'm in a band and we sometimes play in town, which is as far as we want to go. We turned down a record deal because we're happy to record at my place if we wanted to release another CD. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAbove all, I've learned what it means to be content and in the moment. Happiness is fleeting. Contentment is to be sought after. I know who I am and why I'm here. My God and I are really tight. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI can see these things and hold on to them when I have moments like these. When I wonder what I've done and how I'll make it through the rest of the night. These painful moments are just that. Moments. And by breathing and looking forward to a time when I love the life I've created, I think I can maybe actually DO this. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAll by myself."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/975810955897843167\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/fleshing-it-out.html#comment-form","title":"7 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/975810955897843167"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/975810955897843167"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/fleshing-it-out.html","title":"Fleshing It Out"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"7"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-1886949523418096837"},"published":{"$t":"2010-05-03T18:00:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-05-03T19:42:20.583-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Guess I Shouldn't Hold My Breath About the Will, Huh?"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"The wind is howling outside, though the sun is shining. The delicate dance between the chaos and peace is played out inside of me, as well. I feel frayed and raw, yet stronger than I have felt in a long time. And more in control of my life. I don't understand it, but I embrace it. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFrom age 14 I was the Child From Hell. For a single mother who worked long hours, trying to keep tabs on my comings and goings (and what substances I might be bringing along) was exhausting and very hard on my mother, to say the least. She was tough as nails, and worked at the Sheriff's department in many different capacities as I was growing up. It was during this adolescent bliss she was working (ironically) in the Narcotics department...and they knew my name all too well. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBetween being made a laughing stock at work and bucking so hard against any authority (hers or otherwise) she finally threw her hands up when I was 17 and signed away her parental rights. I was granted the right to make my own decisions and she was granted the right to wash her hands of me and my rebellious ways. I disappeared into the sunset and she disappeared into the arms of her future husband, both of us happy to be rid of the other.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI married and became a mother at 18, divorcing at 19 with another child on the way. Single parenthood was not enough, unfortunately, to repair the bond with my mother and she remained distant. I found God, remarried and discovered pieces of myself over the years, always wishing she were a part of my life, yet knowing it wasn't possible. She sent cards, said hello and even visited a few times. It wasn't the run of the mill mother\/daughter relationship by any means. The image of me as a person remained that rebellious 17 year old, never to be replaced with the real, grown-up me. Questions about my mother always brought a pained smile, and I held an acceptance that this was the most I could ask of the woman whose life I nearly ruined with my teenage shenanigans. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELast year, I posted \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/tracymort.com\/?p=567\"\u003Ethis post\u003C\/a\u003E, with a song that longed to share with her this person she didn't know...the person I had really become. I held hope that she might read it and realize I was someone else now. I was proud of the woman I had become, and in some ways I thought, if she really got to know me, she might be proud, too. I never knew why our relationship was so distant, so strained, but I thought she was just very busy living her own life. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI didn't rush right out and call her when my marriage fell apart. I had visited her home (first time ever!) back in July and she had only one thing to say about the whole thing. To expect someone to change is pointless. She said it flippantly and I knew better than to try to talk to her about my life. That is not our relationship. The fact that I had never seen her home before July should be an indicator. I figured since my sister spoke to her regularly, she would find out and, if she wanted more information, she would let me know. This is how we've always done it. Don't push. Don't ask for anything. Just live and let live.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThis weekend she called me back.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EShe asked what was up. How things were going. And without thinking, I told her.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI told her everything that came through my brain from how the new house was to my plans for the future to how I had really felt bonded to her after the trip to her house. I understood her more. Felt like I was more like her than I realized. I was taking control of my life and was moving forward and giving up on a relationship that wasn't working. I was excited about school and the potential and...yeah. I went on and on like an idiot. When she spoke, she asked how the kids were. She asked how I was supporting myself.  I told her about the youngest and her honor roll, and how she was making questionable choices. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Well, let's hope she's not 40 before she figures it out.\" she replied. And then it hit me. Something was wrong. She began to ask why I had abandoned the children and what was I thinking. I tried to explain she had been misinformed but she kept insisting I didn't need to defend myself to her, that it was my children who felt that way. I tried to tell her they live with me and she had been misinformed. I felt panic and tears welling up in my throat as she rounded out the conversation with a few more digs. I very calmly said thank you for calling and I would keep her posted. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Have a good night. I love you, mom.\" \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Talk to you later.\" she answered. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EShe waited a couple of hours before calling my husband and offering him any help he might need. And gave him her cell number. She told him I have always been selfish that way and gone after what I wanted. She told him there was a reason she emancipated me at 16 1\/2. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn the midst of going through something so painful as losing a marriage and knowing I can't call my mom because we just don't have that kind of relationship, she took it a step further and knocked me to the floor. I had no idea she saw me that way. I always thought if she really knew me now, she would see I'm not that 17 year old who hurt her. After letters of apology and years gone by, I'm different. So very different. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn her eyes, though, I'm not. And I never will be. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI always wondered if she had just never forgiven me for my rebellious childhood, or if maybe she just had her own life to live and didn't have time to be a touchy-feely mom. I accepted her as she is. I learned to take what she could give me and not expect more. I had no idea what she wasn't saying.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENow? I don't know what to think."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/1886949523418096837\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/guess-i-shouldnt-hold-my-breath-about.html#comment-form","title":"11 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/1886949523418096837"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/1886949523418096837"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/05\/guess-i-shouldnt-hold-my-breath-about.html","title":"Guess I Shouldn't Hold My Breath About the Will, Huh?"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"11"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-2907348528376640061"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-24T10:26:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-24T11:37:49.222-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"I've got the POWAH"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"I was on the track team in middle school. While I loved running, I simply wasn't very fast or very coordinated. I found my place in the high jump. Shutup. I realize I'm 5'3\". It was middle school and \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eeveryone\u003C\/span\u003E was short. The high jump was really more like the not-even-remotely-high-jump, modified for us shorties. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt one of the meets, my kickass high jump left the bar wiggling precariously, but intact, indicating a successful jump. My back thudded on the mat, then rolled off onto cut up foam in fishing nets along the outside, \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Ethen\u003C\/span\u003E rolled of THAT and proceeded to slam my head against the ground. I lay on the ground seeing stars and relishing my victory against the opposing team until my mother arrived to take me to the doctor. I had a mild concussion and was not allowed to compete for the remainder of the week. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EA few weeks earlier, I had been at my friend Debbie's house, and the (much older) boy she was crushing on, \"John\" had decided I was more his type as he kissed me in her laundry room. Completely shocked and torn between my friendship with Debbie and this new male attention, I didn't act in time and she found out before I could tell her. Her hatred for me was circulated to her other friends and fueled much of the bullying I endured. An apology a few years back was never answered, so I have no idea if she still holds that anger. I hope not, for her sake. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe combination of shame for allowing that boy to ruin my friendship and anger for Debbie becoming the leader of the \"We Hate Tracy\" brigade gave me plenty reason to avoid her and her croanies at school. The day after my track meet as I was heading to my locker, I realized I had to pass them. I walked quickly with my head up and ignoring them completely until I realized they had circled me.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I hear you have a concussion!\" one of Debbie's (larger) friends said in a mocking voice as she slapped me on the back of the head. \"Aww too bad...\" she continued to slap me with roaring laughter from the other girls, \"...you should really be more careful you little bitch!\" she said, giving me one more slap for good measure before releasing me from her grasp and allowing me to move on into the hallways. Looking back it seems like a scene from a John Hughes movie. Perhaps that's why I can relate to his movies so well. Those movies were the stories of my life.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere were other groups who chose to victimize me that way, some for reasons I could see and others simply because they could. Those girls didn't know me inside. They didn't know (nor would they have cared) that I was screaming inside to lash out. That I sometimes though about bringing weapons to school to stop it. They had no idea I often practiced in the mirror how I would defend myself the next time, only to lose my nerve as soon as the bullying began. I don't know if we all grew up or if the last time when I fought back they decided I was no longer an easy target. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAs I played with these memories the other day, I felt that old sense of outrage as I realized the same type of bullying is still happening today. The difference is, as the times have changed, so have the outlets for the bullying. And it's not just for middle schoolers anymore. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBravado is plentiful in the new age of technology. Some send text after text threatening violence or shouting out rumors about their target. Something about the distance and anonymity of the text provides a sense of freedom to say things you would never say to someone's face. And would probably never follow through with, anyway. Social media is the new playground. One can post anything they want, putting their target front and center and naming their transgressions, then watch as the circle of friends gather around with pokes and slaps, each taking their turn. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESome might say blogging has its share of such behavior. In some cases I would agree. However, most blogs, while comments may be moderated, accept comments from anyone, friendly or not. Social media sites limit comments from only 'friends', resulting in a very biased outpouring for the poster.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThankfully, not everyone chooses to use technology to this end and we have a plethora of amazing writers and artists who fill the interwebz with teh Awesome. And for that, I am so thankful. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI keep thinking about canceling accounts, as I see many doing lately. It just seems like there is so much time taken up and so much emotional turmoil coming from some of the online sources that it makes sense to just eliminate them. But part of me knows they will still be there, whether or not I choose to look at them. And that part of me also knows that the choice to look, and the choice to allow it to affect me are in my hands alone. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo bascially, I have the POWER. And I'm all about using it!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E*cue appropriate theme song music*"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/2907348528376640061\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/i-was-on-track-team-in-middle-school.html#comment-form","title":"3 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2907348528376640061"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2907348528376640061"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/i-was-on-track-team-in-middle-school.html","title":"I've got the POWAH"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"3"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-3304065918116042849"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-18T14:00:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-18T14:23:17.339-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Counting My Blessings"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Today is a hard day to stand my ground. Today I sit here, in total certainty that I have made the right choice for me personally in leaving my marriage. And yet, I hear \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.califmom.com\/\"\u003Ea father, a husband has lost his battle with cancer.\u003C\/a\u003E And I falter just a little bit.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI didn't leave because I don't love him anymore. I didn't leave him because I wanted to be with someone else, though that's what has my family turned against me. I left because we are not good together. All my emotional 'issues' are highlighted and aggravated by his tendencies and it's just not a healthy place to be. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo I sit here on a Sunday afternoon knowing that someone else didn't have a choice. She lost the husband she loved. And I question myself. Whether or not I did the right thing, and how I would feel if it were my husband who had died. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt has me in a very melancholy place. Because I can't go back, even if I wanted to. I've made this decision and I'm still sure it was the right one. I'm just so freakin' sad. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted to be able to say \"hey! something's wrong!!\" and have it fixed. I wanted to stay married and grow old with him. And I'm grieving the loss of that dream. Yet I wonder how I can even consider what I feel 'grieving' in the wake of today's news. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.califmom.com\/\"\u003ECalifmom\u003C\/a\u003E, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry that I look at your loss and think about myself. But in the same way, I hope everyone examines themselves when faced with something like that. And I hope we are thankful for what we have."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/3304065918116042849\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/counting-my-blessings.html#comment-form","title":"4 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3304065918116042849"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3304065918116042849"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/counting-my-blessings.html","title":"Counting My Blessings"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"4"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-5273754284189818922"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-17T08:33:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-17T09:08:50.457-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Ping Pong"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"The sound of the ping pong ball as it taps its hollow way across the particle board table, over the net and bounces once, and then twice induces laughter and high fives. In a casual game of ping pong there is beer and snacks and nobody really keeping score (unless you play with Nate, that is). A professional competition, however, is dramatically different. The players are so adept and so skilled at moving the ball quickly and decisively across the table, onlookers are subjected to a swift back and forth, back and forth, back and forth (insert \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Love_You_Forever\"\u003E\"I'll Love You Forever\"\u003C\/a\u003E reference here). The children's book aside, this back and forth motion I'm referring too is what has my head (and most likely yours too) spinning.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter a long discussion with L about how I feel, why I blog, what to avoid and his personal opinion on the things that are said (and also what he would prefer I not say), I have decided to open the blog to the public again. My reason is simple. It's my blog, I can do what I want. Stomps feet, throws tantrum, etc. Also thrown in there is the fact that I'm really spending time trying to find like-minded folk on the interwebz and if I comment they can't just come have a look-see. They have to ask permission. And if they're lazy like me, they won't. And dammit, I need that support. I need people who understand me and care about my life. That's why I blog. That's why it's PUBLIC. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOf course, that opens things up to...unsavory and non-supportive readers, but I'm willing to risk that. I can consider the source and remove any power the nastiness might have had easily enough. Besides, if people have issue with what I'm posting, they have the option to simply not read it. I suggest they exercise that option.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBecause L. isn't really into computers or the internet (he can check his email and is pretty *smart* about it, he just chooses to use his time for other things) he really doesn't have a grasp on the reason for blogging. A journal? Fine. No problem. An online journal? That everyone can read? EVERYONE? He doesn't see the need for that. However, him not seeing a need for it does not in any way make him feel I shouldn't do it. But I would love some input from you folks as to why we do what we do.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhat is so important about having all of you read my thoughts and feelings? Why do you do it? Maybe if we can help him understand, he'll start his own blog! \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENo. Really. Stop laughing. It could happen."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/5273754284189818922\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/ping-pong.html#comment-form","title":"1 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5273754284189818922"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5273754284189818922"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/ping-pong.html","title":"Ping Pong"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"1"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-7911426517246571739"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-12T15:50:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-17T08:49:32.609-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"How To Lose Your Shit In 10 Seconds (renamed)"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"So. Beyond. Pissed. That's what my Tweet said. And it doesn’t even BEGIN to cover how I feel right now.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOn the phone with a client today (a new client! Yay!!) and my phone goes off. It's L's ex. This blog is (was) private now, yo. And also, I don't give a shit. I was busy, so of course I didn't answer. Plus if you know her, she won't call me unless she has something nasty to say because, well, I live with her soon-to-be ex husband. And supposedly I'm the reason they're no longer together, though I can give you a million others that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with...nevermind. I won't go there. No matter how badly I want to. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI text L and say \"what would she be calling me for?\" His response? \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"She read your blog and isn't happy about it.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo? And I care because...? \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI receive the following message via FB (which is also a comment on the post she is referring to by the way):\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cblockquote\u003EStop posting things about me and my daughter. We are not YOUR public domain. This was agreed to the last time you aired my dirty laundry. (Side note...I did nothing of the sort)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EYou called me a beast and discussed my daughter's \"behavioral abnormalities\".....\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EExcuse me, but who is it that has a boy who has left town to get away from his mother and who has had a daughter go to jail? Hm. NOT ME......\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EYou need to rethink your postings.......Remove me and my daughter from your postings. I don't give a damn if you are making it somewhat annymous....The people reading this know the players and know full well who you are talking about.\u003C\/blockquote\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'm not going to bother defending the things she's claiming (or her spelling) here other than to state the fact that I moved my blog and gave the address only to those I wanted to read it. The mistake I made was not making it private, but I figured \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eunless she went looking for it\u003C\/span\u003E, she wouldn't have to read me complain about her and vent about happenings at MY HOME. Apparently she \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Edid\u003C\/span\u003E go looking and found it via Twitter. My bad. I didn't even think about someone who isn't following me (and I think is blocked) seeing my new blog post tweet. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy reply was short and to the point: Don't read my blog if it upsets you.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EListen folks, this is my place to talk about my feelings as clearly I'm a fucking mental case and NEED to talk about them or else I do whacko things, right? I didn't mention names. I wasn't calling L's daughter bad names. I was trying to explain to you WHY I felt the way I did and DAMMIT it was NECESSARY to say it the way I did so you would understand the exact nature of the situation! \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EPhone rings. I know that ringtone. I just added it. It's L. And somewhere inside, I know what he's calling about. She's been blowing up his phone and wants him to put a stop to it. She thinks she can run him and make him do what she wants the way she has for 25 years. While I'm praying he will stand up to her, in the milliseconds between sliding the bar over and answering the phone, I wonder if he’s going to let her do it. I decide to go with a pro-active approach.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"She blowing up your phone?\" I ask.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Yeah. Um...she is.\" he said. His tone says it all. There’s my answer. The tears start to flow. But I'll be damned if he's going to hear it. Because along with the tears comes red-hot anger.  \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003E He’s going to choose her. ..He’s not even going to ask… He hasn’t even read it…\u003C\/span\u003E. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\"You're angry...\"  I said, as controlled as possible.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Umm…a little, yeah (there’s that sarcasm). She [his daughter] doesn't need to be mentioned on your site. Just don't talk about her ok?\" he said, between what sounded like gritted teeth. Barely contained, I let a few seconds go by, knowing I would be opening the floodgates if I spoke right then. Taking advantage of a split second of control, I answered him.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Listen, I have something I need to take care of. I'll call you back.\" I said, and hung up. I hung up on him. And I'm not sorry. I'm a cross between angry, furious, hurt, pissed and honestly didn't fucking need another reason to doubt this damned decision I've made. Right this second? I'm wishing I moved into my OWN damned apartment. And thinking that might not be such a bad idea. Everyone hates me not because I left my husband but because I moved right in with L, right? \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003ESituation solved. \u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI know.  Don’t listen to me.  I'm just effing MAD, people. She called him to force his hand and make him take a stand against me \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Ebecause she could.\u003C\/span\u003E And I'm PISSED because she COULD! He doesn't even know what the post says. She said jump and he did. Now I'm wondering just how long he'll jump for her. Or how high. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's not about him choosing sides, though I feel that he did. It's about him choosing sides without ever looking at mine. He took her word at face value. Believed her. He didn't even ask me what it said. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo, to placate her and I suppose keep him from being upset, I won't be mentioning his daughter on here anymore. And I've made it by invitation only.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAll day I've been a crumpled pile of tears and anger and just wanted to scream and hit something or someone. Half of me could care less what she thinks and the other half of me is so unbelievably hurt that he would react this way. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI need to find a way to keep her from having one single iota of influence on my life, period. And soon.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E**UPDATE**\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EL came home hanging his head and got out the stuffed \"no bullshit\" bull. We bring it out when something is up and a discussion is necessary. I let him read this post. I told him how I felt. I cried, I yelled. Sort of. He listened. I \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Eknow\u003C\/span\u003E, right? I didn't know they DID that! Once he had all my information he took a few minutes to compare it to his information. He asked a few questions, I showed him things she claimed and what they really were and then...his brow set. He dialed his phone right then and there and let! her! have! it! I was both shocked and thrilled! She is louder than hell so I heard every word she had to say. He told her she manipulated him and pushed his buttons just to turn him on me and that he will NEVER allow her to do that again. I swear the man was wearing shining silver armor. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAt one point I heard her ask, \"Have you READ her blog? Do you read what she types before she posts it?\" He told her he has read it but not every post. She wanted him to swear he would read every post and approve it before I click publish. He refused. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"So you're choosing her over your daughter then?\" she cackled.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"No, I'm choosing her over YOU.\" he stated. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EYep. All is forgiven."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/7911426517246571739\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/under-pressure.html#comment-form","title":"7 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7911426517246571739"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7911426517246571739"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/under-pressure.html","title":"How To Lose Your Shit In 10 Seconds (renamed)"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"7"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-7848977078966463489"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-11T06:42:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-11T07:30:50.547-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Sunrise"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"As the sun peeks quietly through the clouds and through my mostly-closed blinds, L.'s rhythmic breathing on the couch next to me blends with the NASCAR announcer with 153 laps to go. It's 6:45 a.m. and I've been awake since 2:30. Somewhere around 5:00 L came back from picking up his 12 yr old daughter who, after a fight with a girl at a sleepover, decided to walk over to his old house. You know, where the crazy roommate still lives. He got a call and left the house around 3:30. When he came home, he was frustrated but thankful to have the kind of relationship with his daughter that she would call him in the middle of the night. I'm thankful, too. Sleeping seemed unlikely so we put on coffee and turned on the race from last night we didn't get to watch. L then promptly fell sound asleep.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's been two weeks since I moved out. And then broke down. And then found some sanity. Two crazy, difficult, empowering and scary weeks. Yesterday we moved the girls in. I was hesitant at first because, honestly, I wasn't sure how long I would stay here. I thought maybe I had made a mistake and didn't want to move them in only to move them right back out again. But that wasn't my voice I was hearing, it was other people's. It was Fear's voice. And Fear and I? We're no longer on speaking terms.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt doesn't matter that other people can't understand why I've done what I've done. Why I would leave my husband of 12 years without an explanation other than the man I have moved in with. It seems very cut-and-dried on the surface. Underneath, it is anything but. Those who look beneath the surface have one thought which keeps repeating: \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003EYou didn't make this decision easily. \u003C\/span\u003ENo. I didn't. It took me years to gather the courage to do this. And even now the doubts linger. Even now the naysayers still post their messages on my Facebook saying horrible things about me and anyone supporting me. Worse still, those people are my family.  I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt like hell. It does. This whole thing hurts, and there are days I just want it to all go away.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen, there are days like yesterday. When I read \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/othejoys.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/known-terrain.html\"\u003Ethis post\u003C\/a\u003E and \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.califmom.com\/califmom\/2010\/03\/twenty-one-years-coming-to-an-end.html\"\u003Ethis post\u003C\/a\u003E and crumpled inside. Missing my husband just a little more. Wondering what I've done. Longing for the familiar, the certain amidst this uncertainty.  It's amazing to me that anyone could think I don't have doubts about this whole thing. But I know I did not make this decision lightly or hastily. And it was anything but easy.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI wonder if a woman about to lose her husband to cancer would think me terribly foolish for leaving a man I love because it was either him or my sanity. I wonder how long it takes to stop feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest by my own hand. I wonder if any of us will ever understand any of this. Why people die when we still need them. Why we have to make a choice between someone we love and a life where we can see the sun and feel its warmth instead of cursing at God for making us suffer through another day.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESometimes the world doesn't make sense. But the sunrise sure is pretty. And right this second, that's enough for me. Oh, and a cup of coffee, too. Ok. Now it's enough."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/7848977078966463489\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/as-sun-peeks-quietly-through-clouds-and.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7848977078966463489"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7848977078966463489"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/as-sun-peeks-quietly-through-clouds-and.html","title":"Sunrise"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-143474087599053446"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-08T06:37:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-08T07:31:57.979-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"changes"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"moving on"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"therapy"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Therapeutic"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"My sister once told me she was jealous of the way I will look at a problem, maybe have a small pity party and a few tears, then break out the lists and make a plan. Because no freakin' way am I staying in this spot for another second!\u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003E \u003C\/span\u003EI shrugged it off and replied with the usual \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003Eyeah but you're Mom's favorite\u003C\/span\u003E.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhile she is most definitely Mom's favorite (especially now!), she had a point that I'm only beginning to see clearly. The idea that I tend to get up and DO when my back is to the wall is beginning to reveal itself in my life, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I thought she was being nice. I thought maybe I might have it in me, but it wasn't something that defined me.  I think I'd like to change that.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI sat in the waiting room at the county mental health office across from a man who had some sort of abnormality in his face and appeared to be nervous. Next to him was a man with an unusual package wrapped in newspaper. I only allowed myself to wonder what was in that package until I realized it was the size and shape of a human body part and then immediately opened Tweetie and busied myself. My name was called quickly and I looked up to see a thin, lovely woman with blonde hair and fair skin smiling in my direction. Her name was Robin.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAs she led me back through the maze of hallways to her office she remarked at how thorough I had been with my paperwork and how easy it made her job today. I glanced at her wedge peep-toe heels with classic trouser socks and slacks with a yawn grey but adorable cut hoodie style shirt and decided I really liked her. Well, her clothes anyway. I had worn  yellow. I wanted my shrink to know I was a snappy dresser.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWe went over the basic information while she typed a bit here, a bit there, her screen facing me. I wondered if the other crazies got upset when they couldn't see the screen. I could see that happening. She held her keyboard on her lap and faced me.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"So. How about you tell me why you're here, in your own words.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI thought I would cry. I thought it would be this crazy emotional ride and I was ready for it. It was nothing like that. I told her about my marriage coming to an end and how devastating it was, how nobody seemed to think it was a good decision except me and a few other supporters. How my own family had reacted, how I thought I was losing my mind and...I hesitantly told her about \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/well-researched-post.html\"\u003Ethat day.\u003C\/a\u003E She listened quietly, occasionally pulling back the hair that had fallen over her eye out of the twist-style hairdo she was sporting. When I got to the part about wanting to die that day she crumpled her eyebrows in a pained expression and said I must have been really hurting to consider such a thing. Her reactions, her expressions, all of it just made me like her. Trust her. And tell her everything. She spent 2 hours with me and we covered more things than I can even begin to talk about here. We made a plan for what work I wanted to do and in what areas. We talked about the whole self-hatred thing, the injuring and the depression (I didn't think I was depressed...apparently I might be) and what goals we might shoot for in this relationship. She set me up with a psych evaluation for medications and put my name on the list for a group therapy starting up soon.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI had been to counselors before. I'm a talker, but it was never easy to sit and spill my emotions and for some reason, these other counselors didn't know how to pull things out of me the way that she did. I left with my very own Safety Plan and a homework assignment of sorts.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESince the majority of my anguish of late has been over leaving my marriage (was it the right thing? How could I hurt so many people? I still love him! What is WRONG with me???) she asked me to simply write two columns. Pros and cons of me leaving the marriage. I was to consider all aspects-financial, emotional, everything. I finally started that list yesterday when I was feeling very uneven.  Now I can see what a great tool this will be once it's finished. In order to be at peace with my decision, I should be well acquainted with why I made it. I'm getting there. There are moments I question it. Question it a LOT.  Is it better to remain where I'm comfortable even if it's bad for me emotionally? To stay because I'm afraid to do anything else? Then the rebellious T kicks in and I say F#!@ fear. It's just a rent payment. It's just a car payment. I can DO this thing and totally kick its ass.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd I wonder...when did I start to question myself so much? When did I stop believing in the dreams I used to have? How did I let myself become so dependent on someone else for my self worth? And more importantly, how long will it take to UNdo it?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe answers are coming, allbeit slowly. And while I'm not in Happyville just yet, I can totally see it from here. And I hear the fishing's awesome.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca onblur=\"try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}\" href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S73oksnj7-I\/AAAAAAAAAAM\/LdSrt-wUKEU\/s1600\/meandfish.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg style=\"margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S73oksnj7-I\/AAAAAAAAAAM\/LdSrt-wUKEU\/s320\/meandfish.jpg\" alt=\"\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457774040592936930\" border=\"0\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cdiv style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003C\/div\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/143474087599053446\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/therapeutic.html#comment-form","title":"6 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/143474087599053446"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/143474087599053446"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/therapeutic.html","title":"Therapeutic"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_ATWXav9VfOs\/S73oksnj7-I\/AAAAAAAAAAM\/LdSrt-wUKEU\/s72-c\/meandfish.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"6"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-6788745859090203071"},"published":{"$t":"2010-04-01T13:58:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-04-01T14:54:12.071-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"A Well-Researched Post"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"This is nothing like it sounds.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003EI'm losing my effing mind, people.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe last time I \"left\" my husband, I felt released. Free. Finally out from under his thumb and able to get away from constantly being made to feel that I was woefully inadequate. That lasted for exactly 48 hours. I wept uncontrollably in the arms of my Maindish (formerly side dish) and told him how badly I wanted to injure. The guilt and shame were so heavy I thought I was going to stop breathing. His love couldn't save me. By the time I returned to my house to work and gather more things, I was falling apart. I was alone in the house and gathered all the prescriptions I could find. I went through them like a spice rack, looking for the right combination to fall asleep and stay there. I thought about where I would go to do this, trying to make sure my children wouldn't find me.  I wanted them to think it was an accident. I planned to write a letter to my husband begging him to tell them so. I wasn't much of a mother anyway, so losing me would be best for them. As long as they didn't know it was by my own hand.  Somehow, someone called to have coffee and came over to sit with me. And I decided to come home. Work on my marriage. Work on me.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELife must have gotten in the way because that didn't happen. I mean, except for the first part. I came home. But that's about it.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy recent decision to leave home and get my own place was rooted in the desire to fix my emotional issues, fix my financial issues and go to school. To better myself and be independent. To prove that I can be responsible and take care of myself. All of which went to shit when I invited Maindish to move in with me. Not that I didn't want his company, just it kind of defeats the purpose of having my own place if I don't live, you know, on my own.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI haven't worked through my feelings about my marriage and I'm not sure how I feel about bringing my girls to live with me with him there, so some tension is building in me. I'm beginning to feel that familiar feeling I felt when I almost became a human pharmacy. I'm feeling lost. Shameful. And once again, I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't be wasting all this perfectly good air.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EYesterday, alone in this house, the house I left to move into my own place, with my entire family convinced I'm a sinner who has turned away from God and everyone else (including my 18 yr old son) saying I'm a horrible, selfish person, I lost what was left of my mind. I crumpled to the floor and sobbed for hours. I didn't answer texts, I didn't answer the phone, I told people to leave me alone. I wanted to injure. To punish myself for making such a huge mess of everyone's lives around me. For gaining back 30 of the 60 lb I had lost. For hurting my husband, whom I still love. For hurting Maindish, who I also love. For hurting my children, my family, my dogs and cats and hell, just for being a waste of a human being.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut why stop there?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI screamed at God and told him to SHOW ME something if He was really real. Then I got a message from my younger sister telling me how God hates what I'm doing and clearly I don't want to listen to people who don't agree with my choices so she didn't expect to hear from me again, and I'm hurting my children etc etc. I screamed more, sobbed more and then...I stopped.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESniffeling and huffing, I calmly realized what it all meant and the house was silent. I found myself planning again. In more detail than I think I had ever done before.  I don't know what made me snap out of it long enough to pick up the phone.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe woman on the other end of the phone was named \"Nicole\". She listened as I sobbed and told her the mess I'd made, told her I wanted the pain to end. Told her I was so tired of being such a shitty person and I was done with all of this. I told her God hated me and I was useless and hurt everyone around me. I told her I wanted to die.  She listened, saying things she was trained to say like, \"Sounds like you're under a lot of pressure\" and \"it sure sounds like you're hurting\". Hurting...yes. Thus the idea of dying.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Mr. came home for lunch and sat with me a while, then the hotline called back and the rest of the afternoon is kind of a blur. But I took down the info for the local crazy person facilities and promised I would call them.  So I did. And I went in there today, knowing that at least I would be safe.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Kevin\" listened and nodded. And wrote things down. For what seemed like hours. He said it was good that I came in and that I needed to get some treatment. I feel like a total loser. But he's right. I've felt this way for far too long and it's been a real problem in relationships. Including my marriage. The hole in me that I can't fill has become so large that it's about to swallow me up.  And I need to learn how to fill it before I can be anything to anyone.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EConsequently, I learned that I am also an alcoholic.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI was reading \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.mommywantsvodka.com\/?p=1775\"\u003Ethis post from Aunt Becky\u003C\/a\u003E and thought why the hell not? So I clicked \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/stefaniewildertaylor.com\/2010\/03\/dont-get-drunk-fridays-a-moms-story\/\"\u003Ethis link.\u003C\/a\u003E And then I read every single post with that title I could find on the site. And you know what I found? 4-5 drinks per night? Is probably  not ok. Waking up not remembering the night before? REALLY not ok. I look forward to 5pm. Or 4pm. Or hell, 1pm because it's after noon, right? I can easily say it's a symptom of my bad marriage, my painful choices or my Fibromyalgia pain, but the truth is I drink too much and it needs to stop.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/stefaniewildertaylor.com\/2010\/01\/dont-get-drunk-fridays-ellies-story\/\"\u003EEllie's story\u003C\/a\u003E really hit home when she talked about worrying about her drinking:\u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;font-size:100%;\" \u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Ch3  style=\"font-weight: normal; font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;\"\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-size:100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\u003C\/h3\u003E\u003Cblockquote  style=\"font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;\"\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-size:100%;\"\u003EI wondered about that quick jolt of panic I felt when four of us were out to dinner and the waiter put one bottle of wine on the table-only one?-for all of us to drink...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESometimes I would scare myself: I wouldn’t remember something that happened from the night before, or I’d create an argument with my husband in a drunken stupor and not even know why the next day.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003C\/blockquote\u003EOh boy.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo now not only am I batshit crazy (yes, it is a technical term) but I'm a drunk? Grrrreat.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI realize that my post about creating my own drama seems rather silly right about now. It just goes along with the theme.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI don't know what I'm going to do about the drinking. Probably have a drink as soon as I finish writing this. But I'd like to think I'm going to seek treatment. Or go to a group.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWhat I really want to do is go to sleep. Peaceful, blissful sleep.  But kids have forgotten track uniforms and people want their work done. So sleep will have to wait.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI hope the part about taking care of myself doesn't have to wait. I'm not sure how long I can hold on."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/6788745859090203071\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/well-researched-post.html#comment-form","title":"11 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/6788745859090203071"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/6788745859090203071"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/04\/well-researched-post.html","title":"A Well-Researched Post"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"11"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-2667152680923105005"},"published":{"$t":"2010-03-29T08:53:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-03-29T10:26:53.827-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"because two of the best cooks in the county live here"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"And the Drama continues"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Someone once said \"I hate to tell you this, but you make your own drama\" when I complained that I just wanted the drama mommas to leave me alone. I firmly disagree to this day, and only when aforementioned drama mommas are out of my life will I know for sure.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBut \u003Cspan style=\"font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;\"\u003EOy Vey!\u003C\/span\u003E The first weekend in the new place has seen OODLES of juicy drama and not ONE SHRED of it was my doing. I'm totally giving the finger up in the air in that person's general direction.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo we know about Crazy Roommate (CR), yes? She's the one who Maindish was staying with while he worked through where he was planning to live. He is still paying for his ex and all her living expenses because the perfect job hasn't come begging to hire he... \u003Cspan style=\"font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;\"\u003EI MEAN\u003C\/span\u003E she has not found the right job yet.   CR texted multiple times per day, how is your day, love ya, what's for dinner, what are OUR plans this weekend, etc. Told me when I was visiting how grateful he was that she was there to help RAISE his daughter. Oh but she has no feelings for him at all. Except her brother said she was talking about the two of them and maybe this and maybe that, then texted Main and said \"Ohhh my brother just LOOOVES you! Isn't that sweet?\".  Blank, open mouthed stare.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOk so she lives in her own world. I can handle that. She's nice enough. That is, as long as I'm not in the picture. Except that, well,\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight: bold;\"\u003E \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003EI am.\u003C\/span\u003E \u003C\/span\u003EWhen she learned I was moving out and Main and I would be a couple, she flipped out. Started making demands that I was never EVER to be at HER house (where he was a tenant and paying rent) and she would punch! me! in! the! face! (seriously are we in high school?) if she saw me there. At this point he realized that he was living with Glenn Close and made plans to am-scre ASAP.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe is with me in my new place. And right now the only real peace I feel in this whole situation. But having him there is trouble all it's own.  Main had his daughter this weekend. Who didn't know about me. And because we just barely found out about being approved for the house, the moving was last minute.  He admits he could have been more...delicate...about it. And that because she has some behavioral abnormalities, she tends to overreact easily. I thought we had done well. We got a couple of movies, made dinner, were laughing and seemed to be having a good time.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd then...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMain got a call from CR that she was with the ex (had gone out to drinks together? But...they HATE each other?? Wha??) and the car had broken. He needed to come bring the other car and by the way, drive CR home. Oh no, not HER home, \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003Ethe EX's home\u003C\/span\u003E. You know, the one a mile away from OUR new home. If we have the dauthter and his EX is still out drinking, seriously WTF? Totally suspicious but okayyyyy, I follow him, we drop the car and pick CR up to drop her on the way home. She's in the back with his daughter. They are giggling.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"See? She bedazzled my cast!! Isn't is awesome?\" CR holds her cast up for me to see. \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003EUh oh. I think I see where this is going.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Oh and thanks so much for driving me. All these 40 year olds were hitting on me and it was driving me crazy,\" large sigh, \"and by the way that CD you gave me (2 years ago!) I sent it to my Uncle The Professional Music Guy and he really listened to it. Like hooked it up to a machine that tells him the future and he said it was pitchy and you needed some training, but he might like to use you as a backup singer. It would require some travelling, but I told him you might be interested.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E...Main looks at my hands ready to rip the steering wheel off the car and blundgeon her with it, gently pats my leg and whispers to breathe...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"..and Daughter and I had a great time last night, sorry you couldn't say awake, Main, but we were up until 2 or 3 just giggling and being girls. We're the very! best! friends! now. It's awesome!\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ENot a millisecond too soon, we arrive to drop her off. Daughter goes in to 'show her how to use the remote to the teevee' and I breathe, thankful I have whiskey at the house. Ten minutes or so later, Daughter comes out and oddly, her demeanor was a bit different. The movie wasn't fun for her, she wasn't interested in gaming and when bedtime came around the 12 almost 13 year old was in tears and 'couldn't sleep here!!'. About this time CR started texting and calling Main.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"I just am getting all these texts from Daughter and she's miserable and wants to walk home! You should bring her here and I will take care of her! I'm SO worried!!\" Main continues talking to his daughter trying to listen to her feelings and be firm with her at the same time. CR continues trying to call until Main finally picks up and says, \" I AM TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER GOODNIGHT!\" and closes the phone.  She finally calmed down and, still angry, made her way to sleep.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe next morning found me over a coffee pot cursing at the dribble spout (did I NOT just get a new pot for this reason?) and puffy eyed, sitting at my new table in my new house. I was sad about the night before. Thoughtful. Main was sad and almost tearful, feeling he had done it all wrong. I tried to console him  until we saw his ex pull up out front.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Did you call her?\" I asked\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"No,\" he sighed, \"I think daughter did.\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESure enough...the ex takes two full steps into the house and proceeds to cut Main down to size. In a matter of 5 minutes, I'm getting a snapshot of their relationship and am reminded why it was so necessary to his survival to escape from this woman. His shoulders fall. His eyes lower to the ground. He seems almost to lose some height as she continues berating him because he didn't do this the way she thinks he should have. It breaks my heart to watch. She began to talk about CR and her involvement in the previous night's activities and I rudely piped in,\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"...yes, because they're the BEST of friends now you know...\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe beast turned on me like a rotteweiler and screamed at me, \"You will not FUCKING talk to me about MY DAUGHTER\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOh, that's right. We're in her house. She can talk to me any way she likes.  \u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003EWaiiiit a minute....\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOf course, Main snaps upright and defends me, telling her to keep it in check and focus on the issue at hand. Gather her things and take the Daughter home.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe rest of the afternoon was spent with both of us in tears. Him for what he had done and me for what I was going to do in a few hours.  He reminds me how just being with him gives him a peace he's never had. He calls it amazing. He calls me amazing. Says I saved him. Although I try to keep a distance, I find myself feeling the same. And almost strong enough to face what we know is coming.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBecause while we have plenty of people lining up to throw stones, not one of them has a right to do it. And not one of them has the full story. And not one of them will be invited to the housewarming barbeque.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd that, my friends, is a punishment worse than death."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/2667152680923105005\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/and-drama-continues.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2667152680923105005"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/2667152680923105005"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/and-drama-continues.html","title":"And the Drama continues"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-3637542603805535035"},"published":{"$t":"2010-03-24T17:16:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-03-25T14:43:53.274-07:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"changes"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"moving on"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"posts from my Iphone"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"More \"New\""},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"I don't know if it's the fact that it's spring, or the renewal of possibly changing my entire life in the next few weeks. Either way, I'm both giddy and terrified. The house I've applied for is large enough for all of us and if all goes well, I can afford it. While I will have some help, I'm still scared to death. I'm still watching the Mr. in pain, and it hurts me to hurt him. Then I ask myself how much it hurt HIM when I was in pain, and the anger kicks in, displacing a portion of the guilt. And I'm not even Catholic, y'all! \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe emotions swing back and forth with no real place to land. I need furniture. A washer and dryer. Dishes. A toaster. But ZOMG I'm moving into my own place!! Suddenly I'm 18 again. Only without the new husband and new baby. And with a hell of a better idea of who I am. I'm proud of that. And scared to death.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI think as long as I recognize that fear \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003Edoes \u003C\/span\u003Ehave it's place and big changes are supposed to freak you out, keeping perspective isn't nearly as impossible. Then again, I've learned to never underestimate the impossible.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003E***UPDATE***\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EReceived approval for the 3 bedroom with the huge yard and garage!! We will be signing the rental agreement tomorrow and getting keys. The Mr. is not taking it well. I'm doubling up on my Ativan and starting with the Evan Williams at 3 today instead of the usual 5. I know this is the right thing. We all do. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESomeone remind me that even if this were a horrendous mistake, it's never beyond repair. Anyone? *crickets*\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOkay then."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/3637542603805535035\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/more-new.html#comment-form","title":"4 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3637542603805535035"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3637542603805535035"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/more-new.html","title":"More \"New\""}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"4"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-7384430100890783562"},"published":{"$t":"2010-03-19T09:00:00.000-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-03-19T09:37:31.555-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Kickin the Self Hatred Habit"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Last night was rough.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe kids are going with my mom to do mission work in Mexico for Spring Break. I'm thankful, because it looks like I'll be moved out when they get back, and they'll have a choice to make. Based on the differences in the housing, I assume they will want to stay here with Dad. Which saddens me. But I'm hoping they can see beyond having their own room and will want to be with me. I suppose some parents don't give them a choice, but I want to. Considering the two older children aren't even technically his children, I think very highly of him for not even questioning the idea of them living with him, as their Dad. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWith no kids we are free to talk about what we're thinking and feeling about this separation without worrying about them hearing us. It's nice, mostly, to be so honest. Unfortunately, now there's a new issue between us and he's reacting to it exactly as I thought he would. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'm back in contact with the other man and am not apologizing for it. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI did what I said I would do and gave the marriage everything I had, and it was only then that we both realized it just wasn't going to work. The Mr. is not entirely happy about the other man being in my life, but understands. I think he's torn in many ways. He knows I'm happier that way, and he knows I'm not purposely trying to hurt him and I really go out of my way to not throw it in his face, but it still hurts, and I totally get that. But last night was an eye opener for me. Let me explain.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOur conversations have always gone a certain way.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E My feelings are hurt about XYZ.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EHim:\u003C\/span\u003E That's not reasonable. It shouldn't hurt your feelings.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E Just the same, I would like it to be different. I feel like a man who loves his wife would see that she's in pain and want to fix it. Apologize or something.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EHim:\u003C\/span\u003E Why are you attacking me? I just mowed the lawn and saved a kitten!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E Wait...I'm not...and I'm not saying what you've done isn't enough...just that this one thing is really important and I need you to think so too.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EHim:\u003C\/span\u003E I don't know where this is coming from. I feel totally under attack and I just spent several days doing things for you. You always do this when you're about to start your period. I can't control your emotions...stop throwing them at me.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E....did you just....? (frustrated tears begin here...)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EHim:\u003C\/span\u003E See? You always do this. You always come up with something and I can count on the clock exactly how long until you find something that will make you cry.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E \u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003ESOB\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EHim:\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003E Silence. Turns his back to me and begins to snore.\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThis is the important part...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-weight:bold;\"\u003EMe:\u003C\/span\u003E He's right. Why do I do this? Why can't I just be happy? He's a good man. He loves me. What's wrong with me?\u003Cbr \/\u003E(runs bath, gathers sharp objects, colors the water until it's enough, whatever that means)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EListen, I'm not blaming him for my self destructive coping mechanisms. But being with him has made me into someone who hates herself. I don't want to hate myself anymore. It's not his fault. It's not my fault. We're just different people who have taught one another to respond this way. And we can't un-learn it living in the same house, if at all. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd I have to remind myself DAILY that it is OK! for me to want to take care of myself. It is OK!! for me to want to be healthy and free of the bandaids. There is another way to live and I intend on finding it. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBecause that life? Has no room for a girl who hates herself. And this girl has opened that door. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-style:italic;\"\u003EHere's to walking through it.\u003C\/span\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/7384430100890783562\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/kickin-self-hatred-habit.html#comment-form","title":"4 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7384430100890783562"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/7384430100890783562"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/kickin-self-hatred-habit.html","title":"Kickin the Self Hatred Habit"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"4"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-3296316334307295563"},"published":{"$t":"2010-03-15T11:25:00.001-07:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-03-15T11:31:58.527-07:00"},"title":{"type":"text","$t":"New Blog, New Life. New Start."},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"While I've been feeling this way for quite some time now, there have been many reasons I didn't talk about my marriage to anyone. Including my husband. We had been through counseling, marriage mentoring, books, DVDs and other systems to improve our relationship. We'd do really well for a week or two and then go back to our normal habits, pushing each other away at a frightening pace. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESaturday we finally decided we have given it all we could and it was time to give up.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere was no blame thrown around, no angry words, just tears and relief that we didn't have to step on eggshells anymore. No more feeling so inadequate because somehow we just couldn't seem to meet each others' needs no matter how hard we tried. The damage we were doing to each other was getting ridiculous, and to realize that there will be no more of that type is the most freeing feeling I've felt in a long time.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESunday is our 12th anniversary. He'll be at his mom's house down south and I'll be here alone as the kids are taking off for a mission trip. I'm going to enjoy my alone time and I'm ready for this. I know what I want to do, I know the plans I have. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI've never felt so strong and I am NOT afraid! I was so sure I'd be terrified. But I'm not. I know there is tons of help to be found out there and I have a huge network of support, even though the majority of my family isn't supportive of this move. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI'll go into more details about the relationship and its demise in a future post, but for now, know that all is as well as can be and we are finally at peace."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/3296316334307295563\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/new-blog-new-life-new-start.html#comment-form","title":"5 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3296316334307295563"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/3296316334307295563"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/new-blog-new-life-new-start.html","title":"New Blog, New Life. New Start."}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"5"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6338912542846920688.post-5265106518724997887"},"published":{"$t":"2010-03-11T11:58:00.001-08:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2010-03-11T12:06:28.327-08:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"new blog"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"speaking freely"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"My New Place."},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"I really didn't want to do it. I know that switching blogs loses so many readers, and there is always a stigma attached to it. But...there's too much to be said and not nearly enough privacy and safety to say it at the old place. So here we are.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe name is appropriate. I'm crazy as a loon. Or looney as a...um...something looney. But I have good reason and now that I'm not stifled, I can share it with you. I can really be free to share and people, that is something well worth the freaking effort it took to get me here.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\"Why would you want to write something your husband can't read?\"\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EUm...well, because it might be about him. I might be venting. Maybe I don't want to be married. Maybe I want to talk about the affair without hurting his feelings. Maybe I know myself well enough to know I WILL censor myself simply because I know he's reading. And I'd rather not do that\u003Cspan style=\"font-style: italic;\"\u003E anymore\u003C\/span\u003E.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIf you've been invited to this blog, it's because I trust you and want your input on what's happening in my life. I consider you a friend and appreciate that you're there. I'm going to go into all the things people criticized me for detailing in this blog and talk about what's going on, no holds barred.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThanks for joining me. And I mean that."},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/feeds\/5265106518724997887\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/my-new-place.html#comment-form","title":"13 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5265106518724997887"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/6338912542846920688\/posts\/default\/5265106518724997887"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/30somethingandcrazy2.blogspot.com\/2010\/03\/my-new-place.html","title":"My New Place."}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"30SomethingandCrazy"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/14297613277753120885"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"16","height":"16","src":"https:\/\/img1.blogblog.com\/img\/b16-rounded.gif"}}],"thr$total":{"$t":"13"}}]}});